spilling the beans

patrick and i have been attending a marriage course sponsored by our stake [church group-not restaurant] on Sunday nights.

there is nothing like going to a class about improving your marriage to make you realize you have issues. not so much the big ones for me. just little ones.my issues are usually like a few grains of beach sand in your sandwich . yuck. [i HATE it when i am enjoying yummy food and i chomp down on a crunchy piece of dirt. it's kind-of a pet peeve of mine.]

i've got enough dignity to not spill my whole can of beans, just a few of them, so lets just say that i ALWAYS have room for improvement.

back to the story.

this past Sunday the main topic was on communicating things to your spouse. and seeing how i am married to a man [and we think VERY differently] there is never too much i can learn about the topic.

we learned fun stuff about.....

not giving unsolicited advice.
how husbands don't like nagging. [ha! i would never! :) ]
how to give encouragement.
how we should be able to say what we think feel and believe openly.
how to address issues without criticism and contempt.
and other good stuff too.

then, at the end of class we had an anonymous question and answer time.
i always like to hear the questions that others have because i just love to relate.

but then, the very last question [which was more accurately a statement] hit WAY to close to home. it was a statement that i wished i couldn't relate to.

as she read the statement, i just couldn't help but think, "that's something that patrick must feel sometimes." and then i started thinking..."what if patrick DID write that?" then i thought..."probably not. i know that i am a bit too picky at times, but it's not at that point."
and that was that. i felt better after i reassured myself, but i still made a little mental note and realized i could take the statement to heart and do little better about showing appreciation more and nagging less. [that's a no-brainer.]

the class ended and i felt a renewed desire to be a nice little wiffie.

then patrick went and gathered the kids and babysitter from the nursery while i waited for my turn to ask the teacher something to clarify.

as i stood and waited my turn, i spied the little question basket directly in front of me.

and it called my name.

i just couldn't squelch my curiosity.

i picked up the note on top, opened it up, and to my horror, i recognized it as patrick's handwriting!!!

emotions started running through my veins as i read,

"Nothing I Ever Do Is Good Enough?"

i thought, "could i really be THAT bad? why didn't he tell me directly instead of going the back door route to be noticed? if he would have would i have listened?" and so on and on went the thoughts of guilt.

then it was my turn to ask the teacher my little question.

i did.

then i blurted out, "and i just realized while waiting, that my husband wrote THIS question."
i handed him the slip of paper.

as he read, my eyes started flowing.
[yea, right there in a room of lingering people.]

and so did my mouth.

i went on, "i had no idea that he felt this bad. i really do try to show appreciation and tell him how wonderful he is. i just need to more often i guess. and he is wonderful. he's a good man."

then i showed the teacher how in my notes from the class where i had written in the margin, "i'm sooo grateful you are a good provider-very good!" [and i meant it.]

the poor teacher clamored to know what to say to this emotional woman standing before him. he did offer advice, but all i can remember him saying is that i should talk to him about it and really listen without "defending and explaining." i remember him saying as i walked out, "good luck."

"oh boy, this might get interesting," i thought.

i stood in the dark hallway of the church and composed myself, wiped my tears dry, put on a happy face, then proceeded to the car. i just thanked the heavens that is was dark outside. [mainly for the babysitter's sake, but also for mine since i did NOT want to talk with patrick about the note...yet.] patrick didn't even notice my red eyes! yeah!

-and so, i carried on with life.
-and i thought about why he wrote that statement.
-and i did some soul searching to think about what i could do to show more love to patrick.
-and I wondered why he felt so bad.
-and i felt bad for my weaknesses. [that i've not overcome. yet.]
-and i wondered why he made a statement during a 'question' and answer time ["he's smarter than that, isn't he?"]
-and i devised a plan - a way to bring up "the note."
-and i agonized.
-and i thought about all the times i had failed to say thank-you for____________ [fill in with one of the things he does on a daily basis around the house. like.....cleaning up the dinner mess and doing the dishes 3 days in a row without my help because i was taking care of little dallin who has been sick. or always putting the kids to bed or ....]
-and any chance i could find, i praised & thanked him.
-and i noticed how much he really does do for us.
-and i prayed for help to know what to say so i could right the wrong.
-and i felt disappointed in myself for all the times that i nagged him about ___________ [just fill in the blank. i'm sure i've nagged about it at some point.] :)
-and i realized that i need to be WAAAY more grateful for my wonderful husband.

then, this morning as he was getting ready to leave for a nice job interview [just an upgrade], and since spirits were high, i spilled the beans and said,

"i know you wrote that question!"

him: [w/ a puzzled look and a chuckle] what question???

me: that one from the marriage class.

him: what are you talking about???

me: you know, the last question.

him: huh?

me: it said, "nothing i ever do is good enough."

him: I DID NOT?!?!?

me: i know you did. i have the note.

him: you are crazy! i would never write that!

me: look. it's your handwriting!

him: you've got to be kidding me! this isn't my handwriting.

me: it sure looks like it!

him: look at how i write that same sentence.


me: you didn't write that?!?! [with tears in my eyes, feeling a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders.]

him: they don't even look the same. now do you believe me?

me: yes.
[and i did even more after i looked at his handwriting from his journal. i was way off!]

and then, we laughed.
and he shook his head in disbelief considering how crazy and paranoid i had been.
and i felt much, much better.
and he said, you are just crazy. you should blog about this.
and i NOW grin when i think of torture i put myself through over the past 4 days.
and i have learned a very important lesson. [the hard way.]
and because he thought i was so off my rocker, and has a twisted sense of humor, he sent me this e-mail:

Morris, Patrick

3:20 PM (2 hours ago)

Does this look like my writing?

Nothing I ever do is good enough?

Patrick J. Morris

Application Developer

ha ha. very funny sir.

so, my friends, the moral of this long, ridiculous, bean splilling story is:

live your life so that when you hear the statement of an unappreciated, nagged, beaten down husband, "nothing i ever do is good enough,"you can say in your heart with confidence....

"my husband couldn't possibly feel that way, considering how wonderfully i treat him!"

because it DID come from one of the men in that class.
hopefully next time i can think, "it's not from my man!"
and what a wonderful man he is!

i have a goal.....
yummy sandwiches, light on the sand!

and now you need to spill your beans
....if your husband wrote a note in a marriage class, what would it say?!